Q&A with Todd Clayton

by cory saul
& alaina bird
editors

Todd Clayton, 2011 PLNU alumnus and former ASB Director of Spiritual Life, spoke at All God’s Children for the second time on Sunday. His first time speaking at the forum on homosexuality and faith was March 20, 2011, when he spoke openly about his sexuality to an audience of more than 400 at San Diego First Church of the Nazarene. His coming out served as a catalyst, launching PLNU into a discussion on the issue.
Almost a year later, Clayton returned to share with the forum, this time at Westminster Presbyterian Church.
Clayton responded to a few questions via e-mail for The Point Weekly.
The Point Weekly: How has life changed since graduating from PLNU?
Todd Clayton: Dramatically. The freedom I’ve experienced since graduation is difficult to express. I don’t have to be worried that someone might see me on a date or at a bar and try to get me fired—or worse—tell the newspaper. To live unhindered by anxiety is the greatest gift. As far as specifics are concerned, I suppose much has remained consistent: I still read, write, laugh, run, sing, love my family and wrestle with the church.
PW: On Sunday, you spoke about your faith. Where are you now and how has the last year brought you to that point?
TC: Holy smokes. These last months have been wrought with challenge. After I stepped down last April, I kind of had this I’m-never-going-back-to-the-church-ever-again season where I ran as earnestly as I could away from anything that even rhymed with Christianity. After months of searching, however, I’ve landed back at a place of comfort in my Christian identity. It looks admittedly different than many at Loma, I’m sure: I don’t believe in hell, I don’t think Muslims are wrong, I don’t raise my hands in the air when I sing, I think we should be sexual before we’re married. The imprint of the church is hopelessly on my heart, though, and I’ve been unavoidably marked by the story of sacrifice and love. I’ve reapplied to divinity school and am hoping to begin courses in the fall at Yale, Emory or Princeton.
PW: You also shared many of your writings. Some were from your popular blog (toddandrewclayton.com). What is the role of writing in your life?
TC: Writing makes us better, more honest, more consistent people, I’m convinced. If we do it carefully, it forces us to examine the parts of us we fear most—the parts that keep us up at night and that make us embarrassed to look at our reflection in the mirror. I’ve started sharing my story, largely because it helps me understand what has happened in this last year and allows me to parse through what are mountains of tales for the things that matter most. That they have somehow spoken into the lives of other people is a tremendous gift.
PW: Are you working on any larger writing projects?
TC: Well, I’m not sure. These stories are kind of piling up, I guess, and I’m trying to figure out what to do with them. I would love the opportunity to weave them into a bigger collection about sexuality and spirituality. I’m working on proposals right now, and—should a publisher bite—I’d be honored to share them more widely.
PW: What advice would you give to PLNU students who are coming to terms with their sexuality?
TC: You’re not alone. This is the shrewdest, loudest lie I remember fighting before I was out. (Hint: there are tons of gays at Loma). Be patient with yourself—and with the people you care about. Understanding an orientation that isn’t heterosexual can take time, and you’re not crazy if it does. Find people who will affirm and love you, and—when you’re ready—honestly share with them so you don’t have to journey by yourself. Know that being gay is fun. Go on dates. Don’t be afraid to kiss.