Getting Real, approaching self-worth

I was recently approached by a student who has been wrestling with the concept of “personal value.” Among other things, he seemed to be questioning what it means to find value in ourselves and where we can look to find that value. Though I will not be addressing his specific questions in this column, I thought I would still take the opportunity to discuss self-worth.
Before you read on, take a minute or two to think about a question: What determines one’s worth or value as a human being? Or, more specifically, what determines your worth? Most people, when asked such a question, quickly begin scanning for evaluative evidence. What are the things I am good at? How good am I at those things? How do I compare to my peers? Am I a good son/daughter? Good Christian? Good student? Good athlete? Good friend? Many people assume that the more “good” things they have to offer, the more value or worth they will have in the eyes of others (and this may generally be accurate). However, though positive self-evaluations may contribute to greater self-esteem, they do not always result in greater self-worth. In fact, many high-achieving young adults—really “good” kids—still end up feeling down about themselves, convinced they don’t amount to much. I call this the “plight of the middle-class child” and have met very many students just like this here at PLNU. I used to be one of them. Chances are you might be one, too. How is this possible?
As humans, we all have a fundamental need for making contact with others, or what is called “belongingness.” Experiencing belongingness in our early years is critical in developing as a socially competent person. But more than just making contact with others, we also have a basic need for receiving positive regard from others. We need to feel cared for, valued and loved unconditionally. Ideally, at some point in our lives, we come to know and trust on an emotional level that we are the apple of someone’s eye, whether it be a family member, mentor or significant other.
The problem is that most of us don’t get that kind of unconditional love from the people we care about most. Instead, despite our caretaker’s best efforts, we may be taught what are called “conditions of worth.” In other words, we learn in one form or another that our worth—or our worthiness of being loved—is based on how well we perform at certain tasks or how well we meet the expectations of others. Even though most of us would rationally argue that our parents love us “unconditionally,” for example, we still can develop an unconscious, emotional striving to impress them with our achievements for fear of losing their love and approval.
Starting at an early age, we are conditioned by our families, teachers, churches, etc. to think about how we can be “good girls” and “good boys.” Because it is what we are used to doing, we continue through our lives to seek out conditions of worth for us to satisfy, thereby attempting to affirm our value. What most people find out eventually is that it just doesn’t work. No matter how much you succeed, if you are trying to find your worth as a person in your achievements, I believe you will ultimately be left disappointed. Why? Because there is always something you could have done better. And even if you do achieve your goals, the satisfaction is fleeting. Essentially you are going through life with the core belief that you are not good enough as you are and that you must continually earn your worth. This is a tremendous amount of pressure, and any momentary pleasure gained from achieving any particular goal is quickly replaced by the drive to accomplish something else. For most, this eventually leads to empty strivings, in the same vein as doing something because your parents tell you to versus doing it because you want to (you know what I mean!). At its worst, however, this can lead to severe hopelessness and depression.
I am certainly not suggesting that we should avoid setting goals for ourselves or that we should not be interested in accomplishing those goals. But perhaps our sense of self-worth, our sense that we are worthy of being loved and valued, needs to be independent of our accomplishments or even the appraisals of others. I think it is up to each of us to decide where we find that sense of worth, but my sincere hope is that you ultimately realize you don’t need to be perfect in order to be loved.