Getting Real: Casual dating

by kevin fawcett
contributor

Dear Anonymous,
It’s no big secret when Valentine’s Day is approaching. Store shelves are stocked with chocolates, roses and sappy Hallmark cards. Restaurants have been booked weeks in advance. Various shades of reds and pinks abound everywhere because these, of course, are the colors of true love. Though your questions don’t quite capture the “romantic” sentiment of Valentine’s Day, they are important relationship questions nonetheless.
The “ring by spring” cliché has been floating around Christian campuses for decades now. This statement, as I have understood it, alludes to a cultural pressure imposed on Christian students to get engaged by the time that they graduate from college. Though I am certain this is not entirely a gender-specific phenomenon, it’s important to note that the women of PLNU experience this pressure to a much greater degree than the men do.
I’m sure there are numerous reasons why this expectation thrives in our community—and perhaps a more detailed explication of “ring by spring” could be saved for a follow-up column—but I would argue that one large contributor is fear.
One fear seems to be: “If I don’t find my future husband/wife while in college, I’ll never meet anyone and will have to suffer being single for the rest of my life.” Another fear is: “If I don’t find a spouse by the time I’m 22, there is something wrong with me.” Regardless of its cause and potential consequences, this “ring by spring” expectation can certainly make the pursuit of “casual dating” a rather challenging one.
Before answering your question, let’s first try to understand what “casual dating” means. At its core, the “casual” form of dating is one that implies a lack of long-term commitment, but it can have many different goals. Some date casually just to have fun. Others date casually to fulfill their physical/sexual impulses (yes, of course this happens here, too). Some people date casually simply to avoid the feeling of isolation or loneliness. And still others date with the hope to find someone they could ultimately build a long-term relationship with.
To answer your first question, casual dating is certainly possible at PLNU. Though a number of your female counterparts may be eager to get rings on their fingers, there are at least as many who aren’t so ready to commit. As to the appropriateness of casual dating, I’m afraid I can’t give such a straightforward answer. After all, there are many factors that play into this moral issue that you would ultimately have to sort out for yourself.
From a psychological perspective, certain forms of casual dating can be very helpful. If nothing else, you are gaining experience with being in relationship, albeit relatively superficially, with another person. You are learning about what qualities you like and don’t like in a partner. You are learning how to manage some of the intense emotions that are likely to come up. You are also learning which behaviors work and don’t work. Dating is a nice way to work out some of your relational kinks before actually getting yourself into a committed relationship.
There are many potential drawbacks to the casual dating scene, however, and a major one is that people can get hurt. If you are only looking to “hang out” with someone, it is important to be honest and upfront about your intentions early on in the game. It is not enough to simply assume they know what your intentions are. Even though you may not yet be looking for the big commitment, I would hope that you are still committed to protecting the wellbeing of those you intend to date.
Warmly,
Kevin